I didn't shave. On purpose
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
