im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
