im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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