She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
