i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
