so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
BRING THE BAGELS
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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