remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
