Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
love makes seman taste better
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
