Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Randomize
