The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
