I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
