I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
