When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
