the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
