I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
The feeling are messing with the penis
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
