saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I am naked and annoyed.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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