no, he came in my armpit
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
