My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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