Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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