I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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