Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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