am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
