I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
