just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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