make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
