forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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