Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
