my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I think my fart just growled at me.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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