I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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