I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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