i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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