I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
