Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
