she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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