life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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