We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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