you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
