i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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