Say something about gay babies.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I believe in your delicious
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
