I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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