Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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