shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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