apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
