my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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