Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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