dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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