Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
