Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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