I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
