if i can run in heels then i can drive
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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